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(i can still pretend)
vent fic. it's been. a bad year. i hope what you did to me haunts you i can still pretend The therapist pushes up her glasses and writes down meaningless words. As the pen scratches against the paper, Shirogane tries not to flinch. It's such an irritating sound but she can't complain. How could she get upset over something so petty when it already took her weeks of working up the nerve to finally come back here? The office hasn't changed. The fake potted plant in the corner has retained its glossy leaves, and the clock on the wall still ticks mindlessly. Even the fading motivational poster on the wall is no different. Shirogane straightens up as she begins sinking into the couch. She clutches her pillow in her arms tighter, and tries not to think about how everything is going wrong at once. (it hurts so much to even consider why she's here today) her leg shakes against her will as she sits on the old carpet and scrolls through the messages. on the surface they don't seem harmful, but there's tiny undertones that make something prick in the back of her head. of course, there's no unsettling messages that are public, that would be too easy (but all the messages are unsettling now she can't even read the name without getting sick to her stomach) but she's not wrong. that's an innuendo, over there's grooming, and ah, yes. right here is the not so subtle hint anymore that they'd be okay with dating someone as young as her. (she's sixteen she's trying her hardest to forget all these bad memories but they keep coming back to her why did she trust this person they're an adult and she is a child.) Scrolling, scrolling through social media. She's doing good, she's having a great day! Shirogane smiles to herself, thinking about how well she did on the last test, and what fun she's going to have with her friends this weekend, when she sees it. A post by them. Instantly, her mouth dries up. She scrolls violently past it, her heart screaming in her chest. (not safe not safe not safe not safe) "be safe tsumugi!" her stomach heaves as she reads it, and tries not to cry. most of her memories of those dark few months are hiding in the depths of her unconscious. but this unearths so much, so many memories that she tried desperately not to think about. it doesn't even mean anything, in the long run. it's a well wish, it's nothing bad. and she's just stupid isn't she? maybe she should go back maybe she should desperately message them and beg for forgiveness. isn't it all her fault? she's such an awful person as it is and it's not like anyone would care if she went back. they were always nice to her. that's what matters, so what if they had other plans, so what if they were going to hurt her like they hurt countless other people (countless other children) it's okay it's okay it's okay. she's a bad person anyways. (Am I Doing Something Wrong) If she kills herself, then she wins. Even if she's not around to revel in her own death, she still wins. Shirogane looks at the pill bottle and reaches out for it, but her hand jerks away each time. Why is she nervous now? It would be so easy to let go, so quick and simple to swallow the pills whole and die right there on the bathroom floor. She won't ever have to hurt anymore, never ever again. And if she dies, then they will know deep down inside that it's their fault. (and it is your fault it's all your fault you ruined me) don't cry don't cry don't cry don't cry don't cry her thoughts move like a train rushing through a station at a hundred miles an hour, refusing to stop for the passengers. everything is too quick and too slow at the same time. (useless pathetic worthless child) why can't she do anything right why does this keep on happening to her? (can't go back can't go back can't go back can't stay here) all the things that happened are wrong and bad but maybe she's just remembering wrong because she doesn't know anything at all, does she? does she? does she?! (i started to deserve it) 'Why did you come here today?" Shirogane sways in place, the waterfall gushing inside her head too loud for her to think. Part of her can't breath. Her head shouldn't be so light but maybe she's just going to float away. She looks at her therapist again, weathered eyes meetings experiences ones, and bites back the flood of comments and tears that are lurking in the back of her throat. She lets them die on the desert of her tongue, unable, or perhaps, merely unwilling, to let them see the light of day. Back and forth. Forward and back. Keep moving at a steady rhythm, and maybe it won't matter. (maybe she can keep it all buried maybe it can eat her alive slowly but surely instead) Her body is numb. "Can you... not scratch your pen like that?" She doesn't speak again for the rest of the appointment. Category:Brighty's Stuff Category:Fanfictions Category:Dangan Ronpa Category:NDRV3 Category:Non-Warriors Category:Non-Ace Attorney Category:Worse Category:Personal Category:Finished Stories